Why God Is (Still) Real
One of the hardest, most immediate reactions to losing a child is the instant feeling of loneliness and isolation. When you lose a child, you instantly feel like you're the only one in the world going through this. Everywhere you look you see friends and strangers, with their families in tact. Your friends get to keep their kids. They'll get to see them grow up, get married, have kids. But not the parent who loses a child. Children aren't supposed to die. It's not natural. It's not how this is all suppose to happen. So when a child dies, you instantly feel that you aren't "normal" anymore. Your family isn't normal. It's not complete like everyone else's that you see around you. It's an extremely painful feeling. This is why one of my first reactions was to try to connect with other families who have lost children. Side note: the best books I've received as gifts have been the ones written by people who have lost a child and have survived this journey I'm on. I could write a whole blog post about the book, Rare Bird, but if you are ever in a position to try to comfort a mom who has lost a child (it's more relatable to a mother of a child as opposed to an infant or pregnancy loss), send them this book. Or if you want a glimpse of how it feels to live this horror, read this book.
Sadly, it wasn't hard to find many going through the same pain as us. Everyone seems to know someone who has lost a child. Although I haven't yet found any in-person support groups in our area for parents who have lost children, I was able to find one online through The Compassionate Friends. They have facebook groups and I really like how they are broken down by the age of the child. My group is for children aged 4-12. It's easier to relate to these parents than ones who lost adult children or ones who lost newborns. Most of the parents in my group are grieving healthy, normal kids like Jameson.... many had very sudden, somewhat mysterious deaths, like Jameson's. Others were tragic accidents, like drownings, that could happen to any family.
One day recently, there was a shared post from a large grief support organization with a little graphic about how grieving parents feel like they have one foot in Heaven and one foot on Earth. This feels so true to me. Before I lost Jameson and my mom, I didn't give too much thought to Heaven. I had my ideas about it, but I didn't think about Heaven on a daily basis like I do now. I imagine what Heaven is like, I read about it, I ask God about it...every single day. It's my one hope that I have left. I know that I will go there someday and be reunited with Jameson and my mom.
Sadly, although most parents who commented on this post agreed with the statement, a few did not and voiced their insistence that God is not real, Heaven is not real, and there's nothing really to look forward to with death. This is heartbreaking. I may question God A LOT, I do get angry, confused, and I'm extremely hurt that I lost my little boy, but I don't think once so far have I abandoned my belief in God. I pray that I don't ever get to that point.
The sad thing was that the several people who had lost their belief in God, had previously believed in Him before they lost their child.
"I prayed for God to save my child, but my child still died."
"Where was God when the drunk driver killed my daughter? There's no God."
"If there is a God, and I'm not saying there is, I certainly don't believe He loves us or cares about us." "No loving God would take an innocent child from two loving parents. No, God and Heaven are a good source of comfort to some people, but not real at all."
"If God were real, why wouldn't he help my poor wife who has been crying for months over our loss?"
One father who commented had been a pastor before he lost his teenage daughter, but now he doesn't even believe in God.
Here's what I've realized about why losing my belief in God after Jameson died doesn't really make sense. I was 23 years old when I accepted Christ. I've believed in God longer than that. During all of those years, how many children have died in the world? All of those years of me going to church, joyfully singing worship songs, going to Bible study, praying...children were dying. Children were dying every single day. Most, I wasn't even aware of. Once in a while I'd hear about a child death on the news or on facebook. When I started to question God after Jameson died, it was a sudden realization. I didn't question God's goodness when it was other people's kids dying. I didn't question God's existence or Heaven's existence when it was other families suffering and grieving their losses. Why not? Why should I suddenly not believe in God, just because all of a sudden it's MY child who is gone? Can you see how this feels very self-centered? It's like thinking that God is good, God is real, Heaven is real....as long as nothing bad happens to ME.
But that's not how it works. God doesn't cease to exist just because this happened to ME and not someone else. I felt guilty for feeling so self-centered, like Jameson was somehow more special than every other child who has been lost.
God's existence and His goodness are constant. Even when life absolutely sucks. Even as I cry through every church service. Even when I can't find the strength to sing worship songs. Even as I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I could hear just one more, "I love you Mama" or feel one more hug. Even when my life doesn't feel like a life anymore, but more like a horror movie or sad drama that I wish would end. God is still real and He is still good.
The fact is, even though every parent suffers tremendously when a child died, and it feels like the end of the world to us, our child's death is not the first or the last. As much as we hate to talk about it, child mortality is a thing. It's nothing new. Parents all over the world have been feeling this loss for thousands of years. So to say that God is good while other people's children die but He's not good as soon as MY own child dies, it doesn't make sense.
I will not say that my faith will never waver. There are so many days when I don't understand God, when I feel so disappointed by his plan, and there have even been days when I haven't felt like praying and I even cry to Him, "God, I don't even know what to pray for anymore." If you want to pray for someone who is grieving, one thing you can pray for is their faith. Not just that, but stick with them, listen to them, and help them see God's presence when their life is jolted.
My faith is all I have right now. The promise of Heaven? It's literally all I live for. I am not afraid of death. It will be a relief when it happens. Don't get me wrong, though, even though I'm not afraid of death and not dreading it, I am definitely not going to help it come sooner. I don't really know what I'm living for now. I am still in a state of shock and survival. I am not much good to the world right now, too absorbed in my own pain. Maybe someday I'll figure out what I'm supposed to do with all of this.
But I do know that when my time does come, I will be smiling and in a hurry to get to paradise where I can meet my savior and be with my sweet Jameson and my mama once again.
Sadly, it wasn't hard to find many going through the same pain as us. Everyone seems to know someone who has lost a child. Although I haven't yet found any in-person support groups in our area for parents who have lost children, I was able to find one online through The Compassionate Friends. They have facebook groups and I really like how they are broken down by the age of the child. My group is for children aged 4-12. It's easier to relate to these parents than ones who lost adult children or ones who lost newborns. Most of the parents in my group are grieving healthy, normal kids like Jameson.... many had very sudden, somewhat mysterious deaths, like Jameson's. Others were tragic accidents, like drownings, that could happen to any family.
One day recently, there was a shared post from a large grief support organization with a little graphic about how grieving parents feel like they have one foot in Heaven and one foot on Earth. This feels so true to me. Before I lost Jameson and my mom, I didn't give too much thought to Heaven. I had my ideas about it, but I didn't think about Heaven on a daily basis like I do now. I imagine what Heaven is like, I read about it, I ask God about it...every single day. It's my one hope that I have left. I know that I will go there someday and be reunited with Jameson and my mom.
Sadly, although most parents who commented on this post agreed with the statement, a few did not and voiced their insistence that God is not real, Heaven is not real, and there's nothing really to look forward to with death. This is heartbreaking. I may question God A LOT, I do get angry, confused, and I'm extremely hurt that I lost my little boy, but I don't think once so far have I abandoned my belief in God. I pray that I don't ever get to that point.
The sad thing was that the several people who had lost their belief in God, had previously believed in Him before they lost their child.
"I prayed for God to save my child, but my child still died."
"Where was God when the drunk driver killed my daughter? There's no God."
"If there is a God, and I'm not saying there is, I certainly don't believe He loves us or cares about us." "No loving God would take an innocent child from two loving parents. No, God and Heaven are a good source of comfort to some people, but not real at all."
"If God were real, why wouldn't he help my poor wife who has been crying for months over our loss?"
One father who commented had been a pastor before he lost his teenage daughter, but now he doesn't even believe in God.
Here's what I've realized about why losing my belief in God after Jameson died doesn't really make sense. I was 23 years old when I accepted Christ. I've believed in God longer than that. During all of those years, how many children have died in the world? All of those years of me going to church, joyfully singing worship songs, going to Bible study, praying...children were dying. Children were dying every single day. Most, I wasn't even aware of. Once in a while I'd hear about a child death on the news or on facebook. When I started to question God after Jameson died, it was a sudden realization. I didn't question God's goodness when it was other people's kids dying. I didn't question God's existence or Heaven's existence when it was other families suffering and grieving their losses. Why not? Why should I suddenly not believe in God, just because all of a sudden it's MY child who is gone? Can you see how this feels very self-centered? It's like thinking that God is good, God is real, Heaven is real....as long as nothing bad happens to ME.
But that's not how it works. God doesn't cease to exist just because this happened to ME and not someone else. I felt guilty for feeling so self-centered, like Jameson was somehow more special than every other child who has been lost.
God's existence and His goodness are constant. Even when life absolutely sucks. Even as I cry through every church service. Even when I can't find the strength to sing worship songs. Even as I cry myself to sleep at night wishing I could hear just one more, "I love you Mama" or feel one more hug. Even when my life doesn't feel like a life anymore, but more like a horror movie or sad drama that I wish would end. God is still real and He is still good.
The fact is, even though every parent suffers tremendously when a child died, and it feels like the end of the world to us, our child's death is not the first or the last. As much as we hate to talk about it, child mortality is a thing. It's nothing new. Parents all over the world have been feeling this loss for thousands of years. So to say that God is good while other people's children die but He's not good as soon as MY own child dies, it doesn't make sense.
I will not say that my faith will never waver. There are so many days when I don't understand God, when I feel so disappointed by his plan, and there have even been days when I haven't felt like praying and I even cry to Him, "God, I don't even know what to pray for anymore." If you want to pray for someone who is grieving, one thing you can pray for is their faith. Not just that, but stick with them, listen to them, and help them see God's presence when their life is jolted.
My faith is all I have right now. The promise of Heaven? It's literally all I live for. I am not afraid of death. It will be a relief when it happens. Don't get me wrong, though, even though I'm not afraid of death and not dreading it, I am definitely not going to help it come sooner. I don't really know what I'm living for now. I am still in a state of shock and survival. I am not much good to the world right now, too absorbed in my own pain. Maybe someday I'll figure out what I'm supposed to do with all of this.
But I do know that when my time does come, I will be smiling and in a hurry to get to paradise where I can meet my savior and be with my sweet Jameson and my mama once again.
September 2009: Jameson at about a week old
This is so eye opening on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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