To Everything There Is A Season

I took the day off from work the other day.  To be honest, I'm surprised I made it this far.  I've been back to teaching since spring break and the transition has gone pretty well.  I've gotten used to doing my best to act like everything is fine, especially for the kids.  But doing that day after day after day is exhausting.  It feels good to have a day where I can be sad, mad, or quiet if I feel like it.

I started the morning on the screened porch.  Sometimes I like to look at pictures of Jameson or watch videos of him on my phone.  It's as close as I can get to seeing him again.

I flipped through my videos and found one of my favorites that I've watched many times since he passed.  I made this video on his 9th birthday when we took him out to Rocky's for dinner and a milkshake.  Jameson was always such an easy going kid.  We had asked him repeatedly what he wanted for his birthday and he couldn't come up with any ideas for new toys.  He just wanted dinner at Rocky's.  For some reason, I thought to pull out my phone and interview him.

This video is one of my favorites because it is so close up.  He was sitting right next to me in the booth.  I can see all the features of his sweet little face- his sparkling blue eyes, crazy blonde cowlick, and his little freckles.  He told me about how he had to take a standardized test on his birthday, but thought he did really well.  He told me about his plan to go up to O.P. Taylor's, our town's well-loved toy store a few shops up from Rocky's.  He giggled at the thought that he hadn't told Dan about this plan to go toy shopping after dinner.

It's a short video, but one I cherish.  It shows Jameson's adorable personality.  There is something in the video, however, that I hadn't noticed at all when I made it, and that is the song playing in the background.  Rocky's is a cute little old-fashioned diner, and they usually play nostalgic music.  Right after the video begins, the song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" starts playing.

So here I am, making a video of my little guy on his 9th birthday, just 6 months before he would suddenly pass away, and this is playing in the background:

"To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep."

Was God trying to tell me that this was going to be Jameson's last birthday?  Who knows, but hearing the lyrics to the sad song playing behind this little boy's smiling face is painful.  

In our grief support class last week, we discussed Psalm 139, specifically when David points out that all of our days are numbered.  God knows before we are even born how many days we have on this earth.

"13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you."

Thinking about the fact that Jameson's life was planned out before it even began brings me some comfort.  This was the plan for Jameson's life all along.  We just didn't know it.  He was never meant to live past 9.  There's nothing we could have ever done to prevent his death.  He was a gift that we got to keep for a brief time and then give back. 

On the other hand, this hurts so badly.  It's one thing to talk about the numbers of days being set when a loved one dies late in life.  It's another thing to say it when it's a little kid.  Why would God only want Jameson to live for 9 years?  Why would He give him that length of life when He knew it would be so painful for us?  What kind of good plan is it to give a family such an amazing gift of a little boy, only to yank it away?  

I don't understand it at all, so it feels cruel and unloving.  It feels so unfair.  Why do other families have children whose days are set to live into old age, surpassing their parents, while I'm here suffering?  Why me?  Why our family?  Why should anyone's family have to go through this?  

"A time to be born, a time to die."

That song will never be the same to me again, and if I hear it on the radio someday, I'm sure it will bring up tears.  I miss that little boy in the video so much.  So happy, so healthy, no idea that his life would be cut short.  All I have is to hold onto what I do know...that someday I'll be with him again.  

September 2018, just a few weeks after his 9th birthday