My First Mother's Day Without Jameson

May 12, 2019

My First Mother's Day Without Jameson

I've made it to Mother's Day, my first Mother's Day since Jameson died. It's been a really hard week leading up to this. It was actually going pretty normally (our new normal, that is) until Wednesday when I went on a field trip with my 5th grade class to the middle school for a tour. I really didn't think the field trip would bother me. It's not like Jameson was in 5th grade yet. It started with all the talk about futures, trying new things, taking on new challenges, and followed by a run down of all the electives and choices that the students would have the opportunity to try over the next few years. The middle school my students will attend shares a campus with the high school, and some rooms, like the auditorium, are shared. Therefore, the conversation often turned to what high school would be like, setting their eyes on colleges, etc. It was one big reminder of all the adventures that Jameson would miss out on... electives, sports teams, the prom, college. To top it all off, the band did a little performance for the 5th graders and played a song from Jameson's all time favorite movie, The Lion King. He hadn't watched it often lately, but I remember the toddler and preschool years when he and Rhys watched it so much that they learned how to load the DVD player all by themselves. Jameson probably knew every line and every song from that movie. I was able to hold it together pretty well until I had my planning period and then later when I got home, where I could cry as much as I wanted.

This set off the rest of the week to be very sad and depressing. Now Mother's Day weekend is here and it's just not the same without my little bubba. To be honest, I was pretty sure I wanted to just skip church today. It's not that I didn't want to hear the sermon. It's just that I know I didn't want to hear a bunch of people I didn't know tell me "Happy Mother's Day" in a cheerful voice. I knew I didn't really want to see all the happy moms with their adorable little kids all dressed up. They get to keep their kids and I don't, and that hurts.

Still, I will do my best to pretend it's a wonderful Mother's Day for Rhys. He presented me with some origami that he made up the directions for. He also made me a pinch pot in art class, shaped like a heart. Now I know what he was hiding in his room yesterday that he didn't want me to go in and see. Yesterday, he and Dan got me a chicken coop, which I've been wanting ever since we moved here. Baby animals are therapeutic, that's for sure.

On the bright side, I have already gotten so many messages this morning from people who know that our family is hurting and are trying to provide some comfort on a day that they know is difficult. If this is you... thank you so so much. It actually does help. I keep telling people that one of my fears is that eventually we will be forgotten, and more importantly, Jameson's life will be forgotten. I worry that eventually, it'll be like he never lived at all and our family will be the only ones who remember him.

If you see me today, please don't tell me "Happy Mother's Day," if you can help it. I lost my mom almost exactly a year before Jameson, so I am missing both my own mom and my little boy. It's hardly a happy day. Hugs are welcome today.