Going to Church
Our spring break started last week and we had decided months ago that we would use the first few days of the break to visit the Raleigh area and see friends. The visit originally centered around a photography session that I had booked months ago for one of my favorite clients. It worked out perfectly that the baby was due just before spring break.
I had sort of been dreading the trip out to Raleigh. It would be our first trip since Jameson died, and I wasn't sure how I felt about leaving the house. It seemed so silly, but there was a part of me that felt like I was leaving Jameson home alone, because his bedroom and all his belongings, including his ashes, are at our house. It just felt wrong to go on a trip with only the three of us.
It turned out that getting out of the house and out of town was actually a nice break. Maybe nice is the wrong word. It was emotional to see old friends, but we stayed with some of our best friends, and it was like having a round-the-clock therapist because Rose is so patient and would listen to me spill my emotions for hours. She's just that kind of friend.
The trip wouldn't be complete without visiting our old church. In fact, when we planned the trip, we knew right away that we would have to be in town on a Sunday so we could visit our old church. Our old church is huge and we had attended for 13 years, since Dan and I started dating in 2005. We had gotten to know so many people. We decided to attend both services so we could run into as many old friends as possible.
Both our family and Rose's left their house a little before 9 to head off to church. Driving to the large parking lot to shuttle to the church, at first I felt that visiting the church would be a good thing. I thought I was looking forward to it. But as we got closer to the parking lot, I felt stress setting in. The kind of stress you might feel before a big interview, only worse. I was starting to get very nervous. What would people say to us? How many people knew about what happened to Jameson? What if someone hadn't heard and asked us where he was? I was starting to wonder if I wasn't quite ready to return to our former church.
We parked the car and walked quickly to load onto the shuttle bus. The bus was mostly empty, but we quickly caught eyes with a father and his son who knew us. He looked over to us as we sat down and whispered, "I am so sorry." I couldn't even hear him say it, but I knew exactly what he was saying. The look on his face was of heart break. He knew Jameson. His son was Jameson's age and they were buddies and played soccer together. After a few minutes, his son wobbled over to Dan as the bus was moving, gave him a big hug, and said, "I'm so sorry about Jameson." I pretty much lost it after that. I tried to hide the emotions and hope that no one would notice. Who's this lady on the bus who is crying all of a sudden?
We pulled into the church parking lot and I tried to get off without receiving any attention. A quick head count before we headed into church. After going so many places together with Rose and her family, we had gotten used to counting 5 kids. Three for her and her husband, Korey. Two for Dan and me. We had to remind ourselves that together, we only had 4 now.
We walked into the giant lobby of our church. Our new church home is so similar in style and mission, but it is much smaller and quieter than our old church. It was overwhelming. It was also the first time we've walked into that church without two energetic little boys running ahead of my husband and me.
Jameson loved this church. He was practically born here. I went into labor while helping out in the nursery one morning and he was born that evening. He started going to the nursery when he was 2 weeks old. Naturally, the volunteers were thrilled to have such a tiny, new baby to cuddle. Jameson met many friends at church and decided to get baptized last May after telling us that he wanted to follow Jesus.
Within a few seconds of being in the building, I met eyes with a friend who had been praying for us since she found out about Jameson. She came out to the funeral and had been keeping in touch with texts over the weeks to check in with us. She came over to hug me. Neither of us had anything to say, just a long sobbing hug.
I was completely overwhelmed. It felt like everyone in this church knew about us. Coming back to it was a horrible reminder of the memories of Jameson coming to church with us every Sunday. It also felt like home. So many people love us there. Many of them made the drive out to Brevard a few weeks ago, not just for the funeral, but separate trips to help comfort our family and help take care of housekeeping.
I started to feel dizzy and light headed. The lobby of the church was spinning. My hands were tingling. I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't want to pass out and make a huge scene right in front of everyone, so Rose and I quickly moved to some chairs to sit. Is this what a panic attack feels like? I've never had any issues at all with anxiety or panic attacks in my life. After several minutes of trying to secretly sob and get myself together, I felt a little better. I cried through all of the worship music. Was it just coincidence that they started worship with Jameson's absolute favorite song, "This is Amazing Grace" by Phil Wickham? This church is where he learned it. The next song was "In Christ Alone," one of my own favorites.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death. Jesus commands my destiny."
We stayed at the church all morning, meeting with many friends, receiving hugs and crying over and over again.
We ended up staying a day longer in Raleigh than we planned. Rhys was having such a good time playing with his friends. I hated to pull him away from them to go home. We made the drive home Tuesday morning, and haven't done a whole lot else the rest of spring break.
I had sort of been dreading the trip out to Raleigh. It would be our first trip since Jameson died, and I wasn't sure how I felt about leaving the house. It seemed so silly, but there was a part of me that felt like I was leaving Jameson home alone, because his bedroom and all his belongings, including his ashes, are at our house. It just felt wrong to go on a trip with only the three of us.
It turned out that getting out of the house and out of town was actually a nice break. Maybe nice is the wrong word. It was emotional to see old friends, but we stayed with some of our best friends, and it was like having a round-the-clock therapist because Rose is so patient and would listen to me spill my emotions for hours. She's just that kind of friend.
The trip wouldn't be complete without visiting our old church. In fact, when we planned the trip, we knew right away that we would have to be in town on a Sunday so we could visit our old church. Our old church is huge and we had attended for 13 years, since Dan and I started dating in 2005. We had gotten to know so many people. We decided to attend both services so we could run into as many old friends as possible.
Both our family and Rose's left their house a little before 9 to head off to church. Driving to the large parking lot to shuttle to the church, at first I felt that visiting the church would be a good thing. I thought I was looking forward to it. But as we got closer to the parking lot, I felt stress setting in. The kind of stress you might feel before a big interview, only worse. I was starting to get very nervous. What would people say to us? How many people knew about what happened to Jameson? What if someone hadn't heard and asked us where he was? I was starting to wonder if I wasn't quite ready to return to our former church.
We parked the car and walked quickly to load onto the shuttle bus. The bus was mostly empty, but we quickly caught eyes with a father and his son who knew us. He looked over to us as we sat down and whispered, "I am so sorry." I couldn't even hear him say it, but I knew exactly what he was saying. The look on his face was of heart break. He knew Jameson. His son was Jameson's age and they were buddies and played soccer together. After a few minutes, his son wobbled over to Dan as the bus was moving, gave him a big hug, and said, "I'm so sorry about Jameson." I pretty much lost it after that. I tried to hide the emotions and hope that no one would notice. Who's this lady on the bus who is crying all of a sudden?
We pulled into the church parking lot and I tried to get off without receiving any attention. A quick head count before we headed into church. After going so many places together with Rose and her family, we had gotten used to counting 5 kids. Three for her and her husband, Korey. Two for Dan and me. We had to remind ourselves that together, we only had 4 now.
We walked into the giant lobby of our church. Our new church home is so similar in style and mission, but it is much smaller and quieter than our old church. It was overwhelming. It was also the first time we've walked into that church without two energetic little boys running ahead of my husband and me.
Jameson loved this church. He was practically born here. I went into labor while helping out in the nursery one morning and he was born that evening. He started going to the nursery when he was 2 weeks old. Naturally, the volunteers were thrilled to have such a tiny, new baby to cuddle. Jameson met many friends at church and decided to get baptized last May after telling us that he wanted to follow Jesus.
Within a few seconds of being in the building, I met eyes with a friend who had been praying for us since she found out about Jameson. She came out to the funeral and had been keeping in touch with texts over the weeks to check in with us. She came over to hug me. Neither of us had anything to say, just a long sobbing hug.
I was completely overwhelmed. It felt like everyone in this church knew about us. Coming back to it was a horrible reminder of the memories of Jameson coming to church with us every Sunday. It also felt like home. So many people love us there. Many of them made the drive out to Brevard a few weeks ago, not just for the funeral, but separate trips to help comfort our family and help take care of housekeeping.
I started to feel dizzy and light headed. The lobby of the church was spinning. My hands were tingling. I couldn't catch my breath. I didn't want to pass out and make a huge scene right in front of everyone, so Rose and I quickly moved to some chairs to sit. Is this what a panic attack feels like? I've never had any issues at all with anxiety or panic attacks in my life. After several minutes of trying to secretly sob and get myself together, I felt a little better. I cried through all of the worship music. Was it just coincidence that they started worship with Jameson's absolute favorite song, "This is Amazing Grace" by Phil Wickham? This church is where he learned it. The next song was "In Christ Alone," one of my own favorites.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death. Jesus commands my destiny."
We stayed at the church all morning, meeting with many friends, receiving hugs and crying over and over again.
We ended up staying a day longer in Raleigh than we planned. Rhys was having such a good time playing with his friends. I hated to pull him away from them to go home. We made the drive home Tuesday morning, and haven't done a whole lot else the rest of spring break.
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