It's been exactly one month

I wasn’t even over the loss of my mom.  A few weeks ago, anticipating the first anniversary of my mom’s death, I asked my boss if I could have that day off to be with my dad.  Little did I know that I would instead spend that day putting my nine year old son to rest.

It’s been the year from Hell.  And yet even after losing my mom suddenly last spring, I was eventually able to bounce back.  Losing my mom made me realize how short life is and that our family was unhappy living in the city.  Her passing gave us the inspiration we needed to live out our dream of moving to the mountains. Last July we were able to move to a beautiful small town where we have space, fresh air, and nature.  Our new house is only 20 minutes from my dad, instead of 5 hours. Everything about moving to the mountains was a dream come true for us. Finally, I was able to turn my mom’s death into something positive, an exciting new adventure for my family.

Only 7 months into our journey, everything has come crashing to a halt.  My perfect life, my perfect family now has a giant hole in it. Exactly one month from today, my first born, precious nine year old son, Jameson, passed away suddenly.  He left us to join his Nana in Heaven.

I won’t go into what happened to Jameson, at least not yet.  That’s a blog post for another day. But I will say that through our eyes, we had a perfectly healthy, energetic, happy little boy.  We had no reason to think differently. It’s terrifying how fragile life really is.

It's been one month. One month since I heard his sweet little voice. One month since he tenderly kissed me on the cheek at bedtime. One month since I called him, "my little lovebug." One month since I got to give him a tight hug and remind him of how he'll be taller than me in no time, even though he was barely up to my shoulder.

In some ways, it feel like it was just yesterday that he was here. It even feels like he could come springing out of his bedroom giggling, as if he's been playing hide and seek for 4 weeks. In other ways, it feels like a torturous eternity since I've seen him. In those moments, I worry that I'll forget the sound of his voice or the softness of his blonde hair.

I am starting this blog purely for selfish reasons. It's a place for me to lay out my thoughts, emotions, and hopefully heal from the worst tragedy a parent can imagine. Maybe, just maybe, someday I'll have the strength to help other parents who go through this pain. But for now, I'm just going to be selfish and only care about my own grief and survival.

If there's one small lesson I've learned already, it's that everyone in grief needs some sort of an outlet. Maybe it's screaming at the top of your lungs. Maybe it's work. For me, it's gardening. As my friend, Summer, said when I showed her the seedlings I had recently planted, "I like that. You are fighting death with life."

And so, my journey begins with the loss of an adorable little blonde headed boy and continues with a plot of dirt, some seeds, and some prayer.